I Am a Walking Lesson in What Not to Do

To say the last six months have been rough would be an understatement.

In April, I was laid off from my job.  I’m not unique in this – something like 539,000 people lost their job that month.  I doubt I’m even that unique in that we were expecting a child in a little over a month and a half. Still, it sucked.  On the bright side, between my unemployment and the money we would save on childcare and gas, it wouldn’t be a HUGE loss in income; just enough to hurt.

At the end of May, Harper joined us.  I was excited to finally meet the little dude and I’ve grown closer to him than anyone in the world (with the possible exception of Rhonda), but even in that happiest moment I have to admit that I was worrying about how we would be able to support another child.

Just after the Fourth of July, Harper began throwing up almost everything he ate.  After a week of worry and guesswork and his condition progressing from throwing up almost everything to just throwing up everything, he was diagnosed with Pyloric Stenosis.  After five days of Harper and me living in the hospital and the little dude going under the knife (terrifying for any parent), the pyloric stenosis was cured and we had bonded to the point of being eachother’s favorite person.  We still haven’t paid off the bills from that week.

A week after Harper got out of the hospital, Rhonda’s truck broke down and the car that I was still trying to pay down enough to trade in threw a rod.  To get it fixed would cost as much, if not more, than it’s worth.  So we allowed the car to be repossessed, ruining my credit, and scraped together enough money to buy a minivan.  We needed a minivan anyway, but we had to accept some pretty crappy terms to get a loan. We now have the car we need and Rhonda can get to work, but that’s the only car we have until we scrape together the money to get her truck fixed.

Rhonda and I planned to get married last weekend, but had to postpone indefinitely because we just couldn’t find a way to afford a wedding even remotely like what we would like to have.  Still, we love eachother and that’s what’s important, right?

You’ve noticed by now that I’ve been careful to note the bright side to all of this crappiness, but my ability to recognize the bright side is a fairly recent development.  Instead, I’ve been focusing on the negative and wallowing in depression and self-pity.  As you can probably guess, that has not made me a very fun person to live with.  At best, I was emotionally absent.  More often, I was grumpy, short tempered and moody as hell.  I neglected the mother of my children, my children, my writing, these blogs, and pretty much anything else that is good in my life.  Really not a way to improve my situation.

Last week, shortly after I pulled my head out of my ass, Rhonda sat me down and told me that she just didn’t feel that spark with me anymore.  She said she still loved me and considered me her best friend, but she wasn’t sure if that was enough to stay with me anymore.  I was about to lose the most important things in my life.

A month (or maybe even a few weeks) earlier, this would have been the end.  I would have still been too full of self-pity to do a damn thing and Rhonda would have – justifiably – left.  Luckily, I was already trying to make things right and was able to step up my efforts.  Things aren’t fixed yet, but we’ve decided to put in the work to make them right.

All of this is really just a way to give an object lesson in what not to do.  Times are tough and it’s easy to let it all get to you, but you can’t do that when you have a family depending on you.  If you find things getting to you, find help.  Do whatever it takes to find joy in your life, because you’re going to need it.

I found that help in probably the last place I would have expected it – church.  I’ve never considered myself a religious person, and I’m still really not sure how I feel about the whole religion thing, but you don’t always have to believe in God (or Allah, or Yahweh, or whatever) to find wisdom and peace in some sermons and teachings.

Still, it’s not for everyone.  That still leaves counselling or even just talking to a friend.  Whatever it takes to find your peace, do it.  You’ll be much better off, trust me.

Anyway, that’s enough seriousness.  I’m expecting to be back to regular posting by Monday, with a possible post tomorrow.  If you’re still reading, thanks for sticking around.  If not….then you’re not reading this, so does it matter what I say?

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